en(list)ment

Embarrassing entries on your Shaw’s receipt

Eli — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:48:50 +0000

MM PEANUT BUTT
SH HOMO MILK
MAN EVERY TAMTAM
HOT INDVIUAL ME

Key phrases in my last message for my landlord

Eli — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 08:38:21 +0000

- “Apartment number nine”
- “Listen.”
- “Toilet backed up into the bathtub”
- “Someone else’s shit”
- “Incredibly angry”
- “An actual plumber”
- “First thing in the morning”

Uncapped bottles in my fridge

Eli — Sun, 13 Dec 2009 02:19:07 +0000

-Half a bottle of merlot
-One third of a hard cider
-Half a bottle of brut
-One inch of Andres peach champagne

Google searches I have actually run

Eli — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 06:09:54 +0000

-WHY DO THEY USE EMPTY COFFEE CUPS IN TV SHOWS?!
-gay men bathroom tap
-do bees sleep
-when will it snow
-why empty cup coffee television
-why empty coffee cup
-pasta thing
-longest leg hair
-learning from mistakes in Jurassic Park
- “terminal cunt”
-wonderflonium
- “rash and rashionality”
-bong
-badass needlepoint
-Initial-stress-derived noun
-South Park Mormons lyrics dum dum dum
- “Elon James” “The caged bird” site:twitter.com
-placenta teddy bear
- “and now you’re watching me walk away”
-mohawk appropriation
- “butt buddies” betrothed
- “shove it up your ass, Toby”
-zombie alert Boston
- “white people problems”

Emotions I am capable of experiencing

Eli — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 02:55:32 +0000

-~~Sad~~ Sleepy
-Angry
-Hungry

Sure-fire ways to make me cry

Eli — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 05:06:04 +0000

-Hint that someone has learned something ze didn’t think ze was capable of learning or that a person has developed a love of learning or books
-Get someone in a position of mild authority to express mild disappointment in me. (Family members and friends’ parents are best at this.)
-Try to talk to me about money and debt
-Acknowledge the flaws of the USA’s government, but renew your commitment to doing right by the average person through compassion, education, and empowerment of the poor and traditionally underserved, oppressed, and overlooked
-A) Turn on “Trust Me on the Sunscreen,” B) leave the room.

ADDENDUM: Bring me an Alaskan roll without me even asking.

Conversations with Red Sox Fans

thisuglysweater — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:50:59 +0000

Questions Red Sox Fans like to Ask

How do you fit a dick in those pants?
How are those pants going?
How’s it feel to be gay?
Are you even a boy?

Answers They’re Not Necessarily Ready For

It’d be easier with one as small as yours.
How are those locker rooms going?
How’s it feel to watch sports you’re too fat to play?
Are you even a human?

Potentially incriminating items in my Google search history

Eli — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 05:34:59 +0000

-Harry Snape slash “tenderly stroking” “unruly locks”
-Christina Aguilera baby
-wha wha whaaa
-wha wha whaaaa
- “dunkin’ Donuts” sticker
- “Kin can do it”
- “Kin can do it” “Dunkin’ Donuts”
- “Kin’ can do it” “Dunkin’ Donuts”
- “Kin’ can do it”
-Kin’ can do it
-Kin can do it
-maggots vagina
-Rapping granny
-spin gym
-how to eat hand roll sushi
- “open the door, find dinosaurs”
-Dimetapp chewables
- “Lord of the Rings” “drinking game”
-yogurt past expiration date
-100 books you should read before college
-books you should have read in high school
-fancy dryer sheets
-lamb kosher
-I hate and I love. Why do I do it, perchance you might ask?I don’t know, but I feel it happening to me and it is excrutating
-Jewish Hell
- “angry nap”
-if your congregation has AIDS, you have AIDS
- “how to fuck up”
-let me Google that for you

More Bands For Which I am the Frontman

thisuglysweater — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 04:06:14 +0000

Pussysocks

Creep Magnet

Helicopter pilots

Little Noise & the Creamy Loads

Dislodged Ladybugs

Interstate Furniture

bedhead

pillspillspills

Is This Rotten?

Jail Pudding

Floral Loveseat

underground sex rodeo

Tangled Hardware

Questionable Divas

The Many Women of Michigan

Democratic Caucus

The Loud Librarians

Five Panic!-At-the-Disco-inspired bands I could start based on feelings I’ve had this past week.

thisuglysweater — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:33:31 +0000

1) Existential Crises in the Supermarket

2) Uncertainty at the Drive-Through

3) Anxiety on the Interstate

4) Exasperation in Your Bedroom

5) Transcendental Break Through on My Cigarette Break